july 1

(sung in the lilting voice of an eight year old...)

we're going to the cottage, we're going to the cottage...

flip flops

i'll be honest, i'm not sold on my new pair of flip flops. this past weekend i broke down and finally bought a pair after somehow avoiding to for the past few years. I think it was being out on saturday night at a bar, listening to a friend's band and watching the sea of flip flops on the dancefloor and thinking...how is this acceptable?

As a child I detested them...i only wore the ones with the plastic band across the top of the foot...never the dreaded thong. that bit of hard plastic between my toes drove me bananas. it still does. give me a pair of thong underwear no problem, but for some reason, something between my toes is pure torture.

I will admit, i can see their appeal. they are simple, honest and do make me feel...lighter. with only a thin piece of foam between me and the ground, it's almost like i'm barefoot and more connected to the moment i'm in. Perhaps that is only because each moment so far has been painful and irritating so how could i not be thrust into complete awareness.

to do

I like making lists. While I am somewhat forgetful, I don't believe this is the reason that I find myself constantly creating them. Perhaps it's the sense of accomplishment i get when crossing things off. perhaps it's beceause it motivates my ass off the couch -- perhaps it's just because i am, and always will be, a planner -- whatever it is, at home or at work...there is always a list floating around somewhere. Often these lists contain the most obviously mundane tasks that really, shouldn't need to be written down for me to recognize they need doing.

take for example today's list:

• get navel re-pierced
• put away clothes lying all over bed
• buy bocce ball set for cottage weekend
• recycling
• vacuum
• look at used laptops
• unload dishwasher
• call K & M re: 1st wedding anniversary congrats
• return golf clubs
• write 'lists' blog

I've managed to so far, complete task #1 and #4 and I'm currently working away on the last one. I have little hope for the rest.

Here's what else I got done today that happened out of pure spontaneity...

• break down and purchase a pair of flip flops, recognizing and finally accepting they are a wardrobe stable that will not be going away anytime soon.
• ask a quick question about used laptops and walk out of the store 15 minutes later after dropping $1K on a used Mac notebook..and various upgrades (sorry, iBook..i am now a mactonite and can not longer speak PC)

what a highly productive and expensive day. I think tomorrow's list will start with

• figure out how to pay off credit card

skin deep

I saw my dentist this week. After getting the green light that my current brushing habits are still keeping me cavity free, (I think they've given up on lecturing me on the whole flossing thing) i inquired about teeth whitening and what my options were. He said the cheapest was an at home kit and recommended Crest White Strips. I thought heck, if the dentist wasn't going to try to upsell me on his treatments then i was happy to give Crest a bit of business. It's not a pleasant routine and will only last 14 days thank goodness but so far so good. I can't be sure it's really doing anything but it's only day 3. You get a full refund if you aren't satisfied so we'll see. I'll report back.

I also started using up some self tanner a friend gave me three years ago as part of a going away to Australia present (I never understood the connection between a fake tan and going to where the sun shines brighter and hotter then just about anywhere else but whatever). I couldn't find an expiry date and it hasn't turned me purple so that's a good sign.

And I realize it's almost time for getting my highlights redone...

I think of all the things we do to ourselves to fix and make prettier our outsides, and wonder, how much better would the world be if we took as much time and paid as much loving attention (financial or otherwise) to "improving" who we are on the inside?

no good reason

after working out downstairs in the gym in my building, i typically take the elevator the two floors up to my place.
i'm not quite sure why I do this -
but i do
and everytime I hit the elevator up button i think, i should be taking the stairs.
but i don't.

ben & jerry's

it may just be me..but i get stressed at the ice cream parlour. My only reprieve is that at most places, you can get two different scoops, or split a scoop into two flavours. It helps, but I still find it tough to choose what two flavours will sate me at that given moment.

i was all set tonight. mint chocolate chunk and cookie dough. All set. But they were out of the mint...all hell broke loose and i panicked. I ended up with some mocha coffee choco crunch and cookies and cream. How? No idea. Will I get over it? Probably.

damn psyche

honestly.

4:00 AM and I'm wide awake because of a stupid fucking dream. make that two stupid dreams. sleep. the one place I have left where i can escape my brain for at least few hours isn't even safe.

dream one woke me up at about 2 am....turned on the light, read for a bit, sleepiness returned and I amazingly dozed off with ease...3:30 am, yet another dream, even more disturbing then the first...namely cause I was a nutcase in this whacked out episode...thank god my actions were only witnessed by characters on the celestial plane or else i'd be called a loony for sure...

i know it's impossible, but i do wish that at least for tonight, there was an "off" switch for the inner psyche, cause i need a serious break.

fuck.

father's day

today I had the "pleasure" of spending the day with my dear dad, washing and waxing my car.

the man, god love him, has a memory like a sieve. In the past two weeks he mentioned to me on three separate occasions, 'guess what i bought' and each time I played dumb asking "what?", whereby he proceeded to tell me about this new oscillating power waxing thingymajig he got and that we should do my car.

I finally relented and headed home to smalltown, ontario where I grew up and spent four hours washing and waxing the damn hunk of metal. i tried hard to keep the annoyed, impatient and bored expression off of my face but I don't think i was too successful....the straw that broke the camel's back was when he tried to explain to me how to properly use the spray hose thing at the spray bay...i made it quite clear that THAT MUCH I KNEW.

I'm sorry - i just am not a car fanatic. Dad passed on many other annoying family traits but that gene i seem to be missing.

now i know my abc's

last fall i was dating a boy.
it was fun while it lasted but it didn't seem to have lasting potential.
he did have a good idea. an Alphabet Club...a group of people who met up every few weeks for dinner at a new place...and the theme was that you went through the alphabet, one letter at at time....

well i loved this idea. so i brought it up to my good friends R and T who also thought it was fun and I gave them carte blanche to initiate the club...policies, selection committees and all.

it was probably a bad sign that for our first 'alphabet club meeting'...the letter A @ avante goute - i didn't invite the boy who gave me the idea.

he's probably still pissed

but we're on letter G now so we're having a blast anyway.

lightning crashes

finally after a delicious spell of sunny, hot and humid weather, the energy swirling far above us finally grew to be too much - the skies released a welcomed drenching downpour, thunder, lightning and all.

i needed it. the weather, like my thoughts and emotions have been steadily building over the past few weeks and the pressure has been growing unbearable - I feel like mother nature's venting tonight was for my benefit. thank you mother nature

v-tec

I own a honda civic si with a v-tec engine. This apparently means it has a lot of power. I chose it cause it was sporty looking and I looked cute driving it. I own a car because I have to for work, not cause I love driving. In fact, most times I hate it...if given the chance, I let other people drive me about in my car. I don't even have a name for my car..though i'm sure it's a he. Don't even ask me about maintenance and washing it...my dad is truly disappointed in my level of respect and care of the car.

tonight, i LOVED driving him. I went out to pick up my girlfriends who live on the east side of the city and I took the lakeshore route to get there..a fairly open piece of road with fewer lights and plenty of opportunity to be a bit aggressive...35 degrees and humid even as the sun went down...sunroof open, windows cranked, stereo cranked..i finally drove him as he was meant to be driven. I felt alive. free...yet in control. most times I don't like the loudness of my engine but tonight I loved it. I find it funny how a depreciating piece of metal can make me feel such exhilarating power and sense of control..

15 across

sitting on the balcony, enjoying a drink after work as the sun went down, I worked away on my book of crosswords (the easy, no brainer kind) and the answer to the clue "motionless - as a pond" stared back at me.

s t a g n a n t

how do you realize when you have become stagnant?
and better still, how do you unstagnate yourself?

i have managed to go so far as to recognize that I am responsible for bringing about change in my life and I have a myriad of ideas of things I can do differently..of new things I can explore, learn and experience

but how do I know I am truly in motion?

sprinklers

This morning on the way to work I passed by a small flower bed with automatic sprinklers hissing slightly as they did their thing. As I approached I could see that the neighbouring pavement was wet.

strangely and rather automatically, I side stepped closer to the edge of the garden. As the cool spray lightly graced my shins (it's finally skirt weather) I felt a pleasant jolt as I was immediately transported back to the days of running through the sprinkler in the back yard or riding my bike down the sidewalk - timing my passage past lawns being watered in the hopes of getting a refreshing reprieve from the summer heat.

it's my 1/2 birthday today. happy almost 30 to me.

a pint & a patio

i have a date.
tonight.
and for a change...i'm looking forward to it. wonders never cease

fries with that

you know when you are off to a good week when it's only 11 AM on Monday and you're already making plans for the weekend...followed by a 2 pm return to the office (beer buzz and all), after a patio lunch with the boss.

ahh summer.

bollywood cowboy

Just returned from 8 mind numbingly tedious hours, helping set up the dining room for this year's Fashion Cares. 160 tables, 2600 place settings....14 of us schlepping away our saturday stuffing napkins into the pockets on cute jean placemats, putting mini cowboy hats on cacti and watching the screamingly gay volunteers salivate over the gazillion scantily clad models and dancers milling about.

loved every minute of it.

The sheer magnitude of the event is incredible and what is more incredible is how seamlessly it seemed to come together today,...so many simultaneous pockets of activity, so many strangers working side my side. I'm missing the actual event tonight which is a shame - my favourite part of working on any event is watching it play out...very few get to experience an event from its conception to its completion, to have intimate knowledge of all the minute details that go into its execution and because of this fact, I think I will always prefer to work or run an event then merely be a participant or guest. I may miss out on the fancy meals, the flowing booze and the indulgent opportunity to glam it up, but my satisfaction and feeling of being a part of something beats the goody bag and hangover the guests end up with anyday.

too much information

"power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely".

if information is power, then I most certainly agree.

let's get this party started

So upon the realization this week that I really don't know who the fuck i am anymore....i've decided that this is the summer I figure it out. Perhaps I'm being overly ambitious to believe one summer will produce the answer, but i do hope to at least discover, what i'm made of.

I've booked almost all of my fridays off and I have big hopes for these Fridays. A day, all of my own ,to do whatever i want....now i just have to figure out what that entails.

changing of the guard

"Self-discipline is important in any endeavor of life. It's best defined as the ability to regulate one’s conduct by principle and sound judgment, rather than by impulse, desire, or social custom".

Hmm. Well, i'll give it a try i suppose.

retail therapy

winners cashier: how are you today?

me: good thanks.

inner me: good? I am so far from good it's stupid. I'm a 29.5 years old who is behaving like a lovelorn 14 year old because she can't get over a guy she broke up with more than a year ago. who I knew while she was in it that he wasn't the one (but so damn hot and great in bed), but now, now that he's met someone, is the one I want more then life itself. ya i'm doing real fucking great. I'm on a downward spiral to nowhere fast and incapable of pulling myself out of this.
winners cashier: thanks for shopping at winners, have a good day.
me: thanks, i will.

15 minutes later.....but who should happen to walk past a designer sample sale magically taking place near her condo?

me.

and 20 minutes after that...who comes out with a $100 pair of Sevens and a $35 pair of "I don't know whats but damn do they ever make her ass look cute" pants?

inner me.

yeah mr. winners cashier, june is starting to look a whole lot brighter.

concussion

how is it one can become addicted to banging one's head against a wall regardless of the pain it produces?