Is this thing on?

*Tap Tap Tap*.....Err....hel..hello.....is this thing on?

Hi. Yeah, it's been a while I know...I've been.......well I've been so many things, but given it's been just over 6 months since my last post, writing hasn't been one of them.

I'm back I think.

i want a do over

How old is too old to ask for a do over?

I am a strong proponent of learning from one's mistakes and that we are a product of our collective experience, but occasionally, I would love to be able to roll back the clock and restore the game to its exact status before the faulty play was made.

and now a word from our sponsors...

fuck it
fuck the secret
fuck EQ
fuck the power of now
fuck zen and your little dog satori too
fuck positive energy
fuck it all.

...and now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

when it rains it pours.

It would seem that I have captured the attention of not one, but two seemingly nice, attractive, eligible men (i am trying to stop calling them boys) from the co-ed baseball team I joined this summer. I totally suck but at least, must look good doing so.

Two men who not only share the same last name (though not DNA thankfully), but who are also rather good friends. Two friends who from the same party across town Friday night, were each messaging me and who are (unless this is a very cruel joke on me), completely unaware of what the other is up to.

I am trying to be careful as I am somewhat of a happy fence sitter and not really sure whose backyard to go play in, but I can only see this ending badly for me and possibly 'accidently' getting a baseball to head this week.

good morning!

I set my alarm for 5:55.

Not 6:00. 5:55.

Why? Because you see, I've already planned to hit snooze, which on my blackberry pearl, amounts to five more minutes to delay the inevitable.

I do wonder if I'm a freak because I actually plan my oversleeping or if everyone does this.

Which is somewhat more amusing given that I already know that when it buzzes again for 6:00, i'm just going to think 'fuck the run', reset it and roll over till it pisses me off at 6:30. Not 6:25.

they say summer is the worst for criminal activity...

likely the best weather of what has so far been, a wet grey summer
and i'm stuck inside working
and watching some dude pull into the parking lot in a lovely classic convertible

top up.
windows up.
AC blaring.

bah.

you must be this tall

i am fairly confident that I am tall enough to ride the coaster
but what I can't be sure of, is whether my nerves can stand those darn loop dee loops.

my secret powers

it would seem
that every time I have a "relationship", date or a mere fling
that he pretty much ends up finding his wife or soul mate in the next person he meets.

i'm pretty sure i'm a backwards cupid.

another successful arrow finds its mark.

sigh.

2steps forward my ass

it totally fucking sucks that not eating marshmallows and behaving in a manner that demonstrates total and complete regard for one's self-worth can still end up making one feel utterly unhappy and unworthy. un-everything.

that one is me.

rather unfortunately it seems, sometimes stepping forward can feel just as bad.

lesson (almost) learned.

One day I will learn my lesson and refrain from divulging my 2stepping ways to people I suspect I may want to write about. Or rather vent about, tease, or use as a punchline. Assuming of course, those I choose to share my inner craziness with remain curious and actually stay tuned.

Stemming from an impulsive, random gin-flavoured kiss goodnight after drinks with a new friend a few weeks ago, I had a potential date brewing.

But as the texting started to lose its momentum and things began to fall off the rails trying to coordinates schedules, my gut started thumping with that 'something's up' feeling.

So yesterday I fb'd the dude to find out whether a spade was in fact a spade and today, not unexpectedly, got a very nice let down of the 'I met someone else' variety.

Oh well. Too bad for me - nice guy, and seemed genuine.

Of course anticipating an outcome such as this, I think rather amusingly (and given the snorts that followed, fairly accurately) commented to my monday night dinner gals -

- "It's sad...I didn't even get the chance to find something wrong with this one."

Year of the Drop

Drop: initial part of a ride when a surfer stands up and slides down the face of the wave.

To me, this is also known as 'adrenaline alley' or more simply, the part where unabashed fear takes hold and I bail because the wave is way too big or fast. At least I let it be.

It's frustrating. To want to succeed so badly and improve, only to be held back by my own psyche.

So after my last surf trip and as I thought about all the things I talk, dream and think about doing yet never do because of my fear of taking the risk and going for it, I decided this was my year. My year to embrace every opportunity to push myself beyond the fear.

Because if it's like my surfing experiences where I've gotten tossed and churned about, even a bit bruised, I've always come out okay -

- and picked up my board and headed back out to try again.

i'm not dead and I'm funny.

Yes, i'm alive just rather uninteresting and uninterested in writing about my disinterest.

But I just forwarded a link to my blog to someone and in doing so, spent the last hour re-reading the last few years of my life. I'm a nutbar, but totally endearing and funny.

Payback's a bitch.

The only saving grace about mixing business with pleasure is that when it does go bad, it's pretty easy to make sure the fucker gets equally screwed in the deal.

how much would this suck?

Separated at birth, U.K. twins got married.
LONDON – Twins who were separated at birth got married without realizing they were brother and sister, a legislator told the Britain's House of Lords.

the fertile void

Looking back, as we often do at this time of year, I can see rather clearly, the path I've been for the past few years and can reconfirm, quite wonderfully, I have stopped looking back to the past or craning my neck to see what is over the horizon. Instead, I'm truly embracing this time and space. Though while I love, love, love, the sense of calmness and clarity this journey has created, I've realized that "hanging out in the now" can only get one so far in life. Because we must keep moving forward with momentum and purpose.

Which brings me to my *problem*. It would seem I'm in this sort of "inbetweenness" and lack any sense of real direction. I don't know which way to turn, what doors to open and which ones to close. I'm all talk, no action. Great map reader, terrible explorer.

I've been trying to convince myself (and likely many others) that I'm just enjoying the ride when really, I'm scared shitless. I fear I will never take the bull by the horns and will merely continue to float on by and let life happen to me, rather than happen to it.

The therapist I dragged myself to (all of one time) this past summer, told me she thinks I'm in the Fertile Void, and went on to explain that this is actually a period in one's life where a lot of work gets done.

A space that for all its nothingness, is apparently full of richness where one grows ripe for the picking. I kind of imagine it as a big wide open field, one unmarked by time or man and full of flowers and other lovely things.

A space to ruminate and contemplate what is next. What it is I want, and who it is I want to be. Where I gather the courage to take the risks and fulfill the goals I dream about - career wise, health wise, love wise or otherwise.

So I've decided i'm going to pull off the path and Christopher Columbus my way around this lovely wide open field for a while and see what shakes out.

2008 will be a good year I think.

new math

Take the # of married romantic interests from the past, present and future
Factor in the fact that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.
x that by the power of the explosion of internet based 'social networking' and the ability to track down anyone on the planet.
= likely marriage to my grade six crush.

fucked up.

(author's note: this hasn't happened, it's a hypotheses...but i went less far in science than I did in math so we're going with that angle.)

dream

last night I dreamt that my bathtub drain backed up and amongst other things, a dead baby elephant came up out of the drain.

anyone?

bah x 2.

I love it when Partners
from work,
hit on me.
so awesome.

date

Yesterday, I think rather inadvertently and unintentionally, I managed to score myself a date of sorts. Which upon greater reflection, I'm quite okay with.

In my head it was merely an invitation for coffee or a drink drink to continue some interesting conversations from a few weeks ago, which seemed to fall by the wayside due to the sheer ridiculous trajectory of your typical cottage bender. His response and our few email exchanges since, has made me realize that in this day and age and at my age, invitations for beverages between singles of the opposite sex generally have some gray shades well attached.

My last experience with the non-date date generally, turned into quite an interesting adventure, despite its failure to launch much beyond a few enjoyable evenings. Having learned a few more solid life lessons from that blip, I will ensure to review my notes before heading out to see what this whole thing is about.

delete

fuck i love that key.

yoga

Having recently embarked on a detox/cleanse to clean house on all that is rotten in the state of Denmark, I've been managing to haul my butt back to yoga class to help facilitate the process.

Whether it is the detox that is causing all sorts of haunting things to float to the surface, or the fact that I seem to be happy as a clam letting my addictions overpower me, I've discovered that yoga practice remains the one place I am safe from myself. It is the one space where I am fully in the moment, focused, grounded and engaged at the task (or pose) at hand.

It's rather enjoyable and a nice break from my currently reality.
Perhaps I need to become a yogi.

hmm.

knarly.

the cute, impossibly charming, though spelling inept surfer boy is home from down under for a visit next week.

i'm just saying.

A little restraint, please! LOL;)

I think someone needs to invent a function or tool to 'annoycheck' emails, posts, text messages and the like. This AnnoyCheck function would alert the author to the number of times LOLs - ! - ;) and every other punction mark, emoticon and initialism that exists in our muddled lexicon, has been used.

Because seriously, who laughs out loud that often writing one freaking email?

you can't make this shit up.

Aroused pet camel smothers woman, 60
An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present after the animal apparently tried to have sex with her...

For me to choose

Driving home from post-ultimate drinks and a bite to eat with C and her man, I flipped about on the local radio stations to find something to carry me home. As the first notes of REM's "Everybody Hurts" started to play on one, I hopped over to the button next door and recognized U2's "Beautiful Day."

Having felt that a bit of an unshakable grey cloud has been following me around the past few weeks, I had a choice to make.

Choose the song that would wrap around me like a cozy blanket and indulge my melancholy, or choose the one that would let me climb on top of it, giving me a platform to dance, sing or do whatever I felt like.

I decided it was a beautiful day
and so is today.

deal with it already

finally, they're gone.

after a year or two of avoidance
followed by a year or two of half hearted attempts to treat, cure, resolve and eradicate them by various means (scientific, medical and hocus pocus),
followed by a few months of some major buckling down to get the job done,
I'm pretty confident that I've finally managed to rid myself of them.

And I only have one piece of advice.

Deal with your plantar warts people. soon and head on.
because letting them fester just means harder, more painful work later on
and you just don't know who you might infect along the way.

not worth it

it's official - no matter how you dice, slice or add to it, cottage cheese still sucks.

took the words outta my mouth

Listening to the new Tegan and Sara album I've realized what a total lyric junkie I am. I melt at brilliant lines that capture things that in my life, I've felt or said, wished I felt or said or had said to me. I think going forward i'll start to keep note of these little gems...for now, here are a few off of The Con I'm digging.

"Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at/Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at"

"I just want back in your head"

Sunset

Last night while out for a run the sun finally broke free of the dense blanket of clouds, casting a few moments of fiery golden goodness on the city before it slipped quietly below the horizon.

To me, that's when nature's free nightly light show really starts to get good - when the leftover hues - the pinks, yellows, oranges and purples - grow richer and climber higher into the evening sky, leaving a lasting impression long after the sun has bid its goodbye.

Which got me to thinking. It often isn't till we've said our goodbyes that the true impact and value of the connection or experience is felt and understood.

and yet...

...a girl I knew in Grade 6 (who I believe I went to Wrestlemania with to see the British Bulldogs) just facebooked me. As I perused pictures of her at some air show with her three kids in the back of a mini-van I thought...

thank god I'm not there yet.