grrr

Saturday at the market getting steaks and fresh veg for grilling. hitting Jamie Kennedy's on friday. racing through the distillery district during the jazz festival, dirty, exhausted and exhilarated, looking for some bizzarre piece of art, thinking..hey, great date spot on a Sunday afternoon.

then struck with the fear I'd run into him..in these places. with her. She who could be his future…while I will only ever be his past, continuing to fade farther into it.

just say no

I pulled my groin playing ultimate. and not even for my team but as a favour for a girl who used to be on my team.

used to, but bailed because we played thursdays. this time slot severely conflicted with her ability to get completely sauced after work and she decided it was better to stop showing up drunk (or not at all) and play on tuesdays instead. i suppose we all have priorities.

at any rate i'm fucked for my own game tomorrow and not a happy camper.

on a different note, Subway got rid of it's sub club card...as someone who ate there on average twice a year, there goes the free six inch that was coming to me next september. darn.

ahhh pot.

sated by the familiarity of the past
hopeful for the future
comforted in the present moment
rare
and so far from reality it's stupid.

who needs atkins

last week I found out some bad news.

not the 'somebody died or is very sick' kind which admittedly would have trumped this, but heck even getting fired might have been a bit more manageable given my current headspace. at any rate, i'm not managing my feelings well.

at all.

not sure if 'at all' qualifies as a proper sentence but one thing I won't apologize for, should I continue this experience, is my reckless use of grammer and the english language.

anyway, i have found that in situations where i have no control - i must find something to control - apparently it's hunger which i'm ignoring. Not that I think starving myself is going to change the result of this recent turn of events....but at least i have a say about something.

wow.

anorexia is about control.

here we go

if someone happens to know where one finds the how-to manual, it'd be greatly appreciated.

as a person who unfortunately is often not capable of self editing before she speaks (to the chagrin and cringing of many)...i become absolutely paralytic when it comes to putting thoughts on paper...

hence the reason for this adventure.

times sure have changed from my bright blue journal shoved between the mattresses.