2steps forward my ass

it totally fucking sucks that not eating marshmallows and behaving in a manner that demonstrates total and complete regard for one's self-worth can still end up making one feel utterly unhappy and unworthy. un-everything.

that one is me.

rather unfortunately it seems, sometimes stepping forward can feel just as bad.

lesson (almost) learned.

One day I will learn my lesson and refrain from divulging my 2stepping ways to people I suspect I may want to write about. Or rather vent about, tease, or use as a punchline. Assuming of course, those I choose to share my inner craziness with remain curious and actually stay tuned.

Stemming from an impulsive, random gin-flavoured kiss goodnight after drinks with a new friend a few weeks ago, I had a potential date brewing.

But as the texting started to lose its momentum and things began to fall off the rails trying to coordinates schedules, my gut started thumping with that 'something's up' feeling.

So yesterday I fb'd the dude to find out whether a spade was in fact a spade and today, not unexpectedly, got a very nice let down of the 'I met someone else' variety.

Oh well. Too bad for me - nice guy, and seemed genuine.

Of course anticipating an outcome such as this, I think rather amusingly (and given the snorts that followed, fairly accurately) commented to my monday night dinner gals -

- "It's sad...I didn't even get the chance to find something wrong with this one."

Year of the Drop

Drop: initial part of a ride when a surfer stands up and slides down the face of the wave.

To me, this is also known as 'adrenaline alley' or more simply, the part where unabashed fear takes hold and I bail because the wave is way too big or fast. At least I let it be.

It's frustrating. To want to succeed so badly and improve, only to be held back by my own psyche.

So after my last surf trip and as I thought about all the things I talk, dream and think about doing yet never do because of my fear of taking the risk and going for it, I decided this was my year. My year to embrace every opportunity to push myself beyond the fear.

Because if it's like my surfing experiences where I've gotten tossed and churned about, even a bit bruised, I've always come out okay -

- and picked up my board and headed back out to try again.